It would appear by now that all of the world’s time zones have cleared Dec. 21, 2012, with no obvious signs of the apocalypse. What a shocking turn of events.
Of course, I think most people knew the earth would keep spinning well after the dreaded day, but for those who had their doubts, I only wish a discovery my wife and I made this morning had come sooner.
You see, while digging through the manure pile outside the barn earlier today, much to my surprise, I uncovered this stone tablet covered in strange markings.
I took it to my wife, who is learned in such things, and we were both stunned to discover the artifact was actually a transcript of a conversation between two ancient Mayas, as the finishing touches were being put on their long-count calendar!
The Smithsonian and many, many other institutions have made inquiries regarding the piece, asking to study it and — no doubt — attempt to add it to their collections.
However, for the benefit of my loyal readers, I include the full translation below, before the hacks of academia have a chance to get their grubby paws on it.
Head fortune teller: Greetings my good chap! How goes the work on this, my most magnificent of calendars?
Mayan worker: Mostly fine, sir, but unfortunately, we do have a bit of a problem.
HFT: Oh, really? I mean, I knew that! Yes, we will discuss that more in a moment, but first, I must reveal to you all that the year 2013 will hold so that you might inscribe it on my calendar!
MW: But that’s just the issue we’re having sir. (Hesitates) I’m afraid we’ve run out of room.
HFT: What? Impossible!
MW: It’s true, sir.
HFT: (Angrily) Did I not instruct you to write very small?
MW: I’ve been trying, sir, but we’re not exactly the best equipped for detail work. I’m basically working with implements of war here.
HFT: Did you try asking the Mayan Council for more stone?
MW: Yes sir, many times! But the members in the red headdresses say they won’t support any more stop-gap measures, and the blues want the richest conquered slaves to pay more gold before they’ll entertain further spending requests.
HFT: I should have seen that one coming… (Scrutinizing the calendar) So it stops at Dec. 21, 2012, then?
MW: Yes, and I had to really scrunch up my chiseling to even get that far.
HFT: I see that. (Sighs) OK, well I suppose there’s nothing for it.
MW: (Surprised) Wait, so you’re not mad?
HFT: No. I was at first, but the fact is that by this time, we’ll be long gone, and technology will have progressed by leaps and bounds. I have foreseen the future, my boy, and they’ll have computers, iPhones, atomic clocks and all manner of wondrous things to help them keep track of the days and years. They’ll have no use for our silly stone calendar anymore.
MW: (Doubtfully) Sounds wonderful.
HFT: (After a pause) Something still troubling you, lad?
MW: Well, sir, it’s just that the calendar ends rather abruptly. Aren’t you worried that future generations might think that’s meant to foretell of some horrible event, maybe even the end of society as we know it?
HFT: (Laughing boisterously) What an imagination you have! Of course not! Did you not hear what I just said? Even we don’t believe in that kind of apocalyptic nonsense, and by 2012 people will be far, far more advanced than us! Why, they’d be more likely to believe they can spew greenhouse gases into the atmosphere at a rate astronomically higher than ever before in history without a single negative effect before they would honestly believe a rock with some scratches on it accurately foretold of the earth’s doom.
MW: (Smiling) Yeah, I guess you’re right.
HFT: Course I’m right. Now, come on, let’s go enjoy being at the height of civilization while we still can.
MW: Yes sir! (Walking away) So, HFT, what happens in the year 2013 anyway?
HFT: Oh, well, I’m glad you asked! You see …
Man! Isn’t that just the darnedest luck? A special thanks to Joyelle Francke for coming up with the idea for this post.