Abraham Lincoln is an American hero. Arguably the greatest U.S. president in history, he ended nearly 250 years of institutionalized slavery, preserved the Union and won the deadliest war in our nation’s history, just for good measure.
But that wasn’t good enough for Hollywood — well part of Hollywood, anyway. In its infinite wisdom, it saw fit to reinvent the Great Emancipator in “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”
“Hansel and Gretel” is a beloved fairy tale, which tells of two clever children who managed to outsmart a cannibalistic witch that had held them imprisoned and lived happily ever after with their loving father.
“Eh, we can do better than that,” scoffed Hollywood. And so it took the story, added guns, gore, a little sex appeal and a lot of leather, and thus was born “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.”
It got me and a friend, Tyler Clawson, wondering what would be the next harmless, revered or otherwise inspirational historical/cultural figures lucky enough to be selected by Hollywood for improvement. After agonizing months of cultural studies, studio profiles and data analysis, we painstakingly compiled the following list of mashup movies you’re sure to see coming soon to a theater near you.
Dr. Seuss: Grinch Hunter
Theodor Geisel, better known the world over as Dr. Seuss, is beloved for his whimsical and colorful tales that have introduced children to the magic of reading for years. But in “Dr. Seuss: Grinch Hunter,” the real Dr. Seuss is finally revealed: the last of an elite group of hunter-warrior-storyteller-environmental activists, a man whose way with words is matched only by his way with a 9-inch combat knife. A man whose treasured works of “fiction,” were inspired not by his fertile imagination, but by his real-life encounters with creatures from your darkest nightmares.
Mother Teresa: Occult Detective
The Roman Catholic nun trades in her habit and rosary for a leather jumpsuit and her holy six-shooter as she pounds the streets of early 20th-century Macedonia in search of the powers of darkness. Jennifer Garner stars as a young Agnes Bojaxhiu, an intelligent and tough-as-nails missionary in training. Curiously in tune with the spiritual world, she’s misunderstood and even feared by her convent brethren. But when the world is caught up in an evil plot hatched by the devil himself, only Mother Teresa can stop him.
Cap’n Crunch: Cereal Killer
Horatio Magellan Crunch thought his days of sailing the seas for adventure were long behind him. He had found a port, settled down and started a popular line of sweetened breakfast cereal. Little did he know that his greatest challenge of all lay ahead, as all he holds dear is soon threatened by an army of undead rice-puff monsters led by the evil Count Chocula.
Doctor Doolittle: Werewolf Hunter
Doctor John Doolittle, a physician and naturalist given the gift of understanding animal languages by his pet parrot, Polynesia, had his mind set on a life of pleasant adventures, discovery and time spent in the company of good friends. But that all changed the day he came home to find Polynesia brutally murdered by creatures he thought didn’t exist. And so began his brutal quest for revenge, to rid the world of evil, one werewolf at a time.
Tim Tebow: Sin Slayer
By day, a professional football player for the New York Jets. By night, a legendary demon hunter known by evil forces only as T-Squared. Tim Tebow stars as himself in this stunning film, where his greatest foe yet, the demon Beelzebul, seeks to lay bare his dual lives to the world — then destroy them both. Only by embracing his true identity — the prophesied “Heaven’s Heisman” — can he hope to save his season, and send Beelzebul back to Hell.
Steve Irwin: Crocodile Hunter
Oh wait. I guess that one’s been done already.
Mary Poppins: Nazi Scourge
Everyone’s favorite singing nanny is back, and this time, it’s personal. A few decades removed her adventures with the Banks family, Mary Poppins has taken up chain smoking and developed a cynical streak. Now a martial-arts master with a scathing wit to match, she punishes evildoers in far more permanent ways than sending them to their rooms. And when Nazi Germany initiates its plan of global domination, Mary is ready to clean house. Featuring a full lineup of new and updated songs, included “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (remix),” “A Spoonful of Cyanide” and “Feed the Graves.”
Scotty Smalls: Beast Slayer
If you thought it ended with “The Sandlot,” think again. From his first encounter with “The Beast,” Scotty Smalls develops a taste for blood. A baseball scout, he scours the big cities and small towns of America, looking for evil creatures of myth and legend. And when he finds them, it’s game over.
Steve Jobs 2.0: Android Killer
From the creators of “Robocop,” comes a new hero. … OK, even I can’t take this one any farther.
Barack Obama: Bin Laden Hunter
You’ve seen “Zero Dark Thirty,” but don’t think you know the truth. The untold story, of how a first-term U.S. president trained his body and mind for months in a secret compound and turned himself into the greatest single weapon the world has ever known. What follows is the shocking trials of a hero on a bloody, relentless hunt for the one man whose death will bring a nation peace — and a chief executive hope for re-election. Starring Will Smith.
So what do you think of our list? Anything we left out?